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Long Distance Trucker
Hi-Ener-G The one non-caffeine blend in the Long Distance Trucker group, Chi Power even says "No Caffeine!" in big letters on the back of the box. Chi Power's secret is that it's packing Ephedrine. After taking one look at the ingredients list, Mirbane, our Pixieish Goth Chick volunteer yelled "Cross-tops! Trucker speed!" Yes, Chi Power capsules are pretty much truckstop power pills, but in gold-embossed Yuppie packaging. Be careful with Chi Power, or any other Ephedrine-based stims. Many people react strongly to Ephedrine, and not in pretty ways. One way to tell if you're one of those people is if you react strongly to over-the-counter allergy and cold preparations such as Contac or Day-Quil. Both of these use ephedrine variants, so if they make you feel at all goofy, just say no to Chi Power. (For more information on ephedrine and recent investigations, call the FDA hotline 1-800-FDA-1088) Fukola Cola. The most fun Long Distance Trucker entry, Fukola is sort of a caffeine-laden Jolt Cola clone for the post-nerd crowd. Unlike Jolt, Fukola isn't burdened by the "I'm a programmer and have never seen a naked woman" mythology associated with older product. It fact, Fukola both looks and tastes great. Some of our volunteers who grew up in the South said it reminded them of the local colas you used to be able to find down there, before mass-production gobbled up all the little companies. And it kicks as hard as Jolt any day of the week.
Brain Wash Wins the Best of Breed Trophy. Unlike most of the other brews, Happy Camper mixes mild uppers such as Ginseng, Gotu Kola, and Kola Nut with middle-weight downers like Passion Flower and Kava Kava. While items like Hi-Ener-G and its liquid cousin Power Play really got on some of our volunteers' nerves, we had no complaints at all from the Happy Camper contingent. |
White Light, White Heat Polar Bear Snuff: No compound we tested came close to the overall relentless popularity of Polar Bear Snuff. Nothing else provided the cortex kick of the white powder in the unassuming little bottle. The biggest difference between Polar Bear and most of other over-the-counter stims we tried was that most of them go through your stomach, as a pill or drink. Polar Bear is a gorgeous white powder that you snort, sniff demurely or pack into your sinuses like cotton wadding. Going straight through your mucus membranes, Polar Bear is an instant rush. And yes, there is probably something of a placebo effect going on, too. The act of laying down lines, chopping them and vacuuming them up through a $100 bill provided by one of our more successful volunteers was all part of the allure of Polar Bear. The best part is that, unlike cocaine, there's nothing in Polar Bear Snuff to melt your septum. All you'll find in the powder is "caffeine crystals, kava kava, red kirin, ginseng, oil of clove and wintergreen, natural menthol crystals." The wintergreen and menthol really opened up everyone's sinuses, but about half of our volunteers found the taste of Polar Bear unpleasant at the back of their throats. Most went back for seconds, however. The hardiest souls went back for thirds as the effects of Polar Bear, like cocaine, are shorter each time you use it. In fact, a couple of the programmer types in our test group were known to lay down lines of Polar Bear at work and hoover them up before a long day slaving over a hot keyboard. 
Ener-B
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Marginally Useless Yohimbe 1000 Plus Yohimbe 1000 Plus was particularly disappointing. It's allegedly a wildly powerful stimulant and aphrodisiac. The bottle we had was labeled "For Men Only." Naturally, we fed it to all the women in the group who'd try it. The effects were pretty much nil, though we were able to convince one woman to urinate with the toilet seat up. XphoriaXphoria is a useless kind of herbal Ecstasy, an ersatz version of MDMA. According to the ingredients on the box, it is almost a copy of the Long Distance Trucker drugs, with the addition of Gingko and Nutmeg. Gingko has replaced Ginseng as the wonder herb of the moment. Some allegedly serious studies have claimed that it increases bloodflow to the brain. This might make you dizzy, but in no way does it mirror the effects of Ecstasy. Nutmeg is well-known for having hallucinogenic qualities in the right amounts. Apparently the right amounts are not what's in Xphoria because the only entertainment value of the product for us came from the much-too-earnest Gen X-appeal packaging. The Legendary Cyclone Cider This stuff is downright peculiar. Containing nothing more than apple cider vinegar, glycerin, garlic, cayenne, horseradish, ginger root, onion, parsley and Vitamin C, it was quickly dubbed the official White Trash Smart Drug. While it was a complete loser as a stimulant, everyone agreed that it would make an excellent Bloody Mary mix. |
| What do those exotic herbs have in common? One word: caffeine. And don't be fooled if someone tries to tell you that the active ingredient in, say Guarana, is Guaranine. Guaranine is just caffeine in New Age drag. Which isn't to say that any of this stuff is bad, it's just that when the cheapest of these —Hi-Ener-G—goes for around $10 per 30 caplets, you're being sold instant coffee at designer blend prices. And like any caffeine products, you have to be careful not to OD since they can all cause exactly the same problems as too much coffee: irritability, sleeplessness, heart arrhythmia, sweats, etc. This bunch was the least interesting for our little group to field test, but at least taking them guaranteed everyone got home all right. |
illustrations by Claudia Newell
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