DARE!
THE TRUTH WILL SET ALISSA FREE
Five tasty tidbits from our brave Truth or Dare columnist.

by Alissa Bader

truthshrine.gif What is the most personally revolting act you have ever had to commit against your will?

There was the time I had to assist in unhooking two acquaintances of mine from one another. Both of them were pierced (with rings) in a Very Particular Area of their bodies. During their Special Moment, one of the connecting beads on one of the rings had somehow detached, and—well, suffice it to say that we had to use tweezers (slant-tipped!) and a flashlight to get them apart. It took us about fifteen minutes. Oh, and we had to wear rubber dishwashing gloves when we detached them, 'cause it was so nasty.

What would be the most difficult substance for you to remove from your life?

Probably lint. Lately I've been discovering it everywhere—between my toes, underneath my bed, behind my desk, in my teeth. I'd feel lonely without it. I'd miss dislodging that ever-growing glob from my navel every evening (Where the hell does that stuff come from? It's not like I wear felt lingerie). I'd feel purposeless, like I wasn't part of one of the basic cycles of life.

Lint. The word itself has such a beautiful simplistic harmony to it. Where would we be without lint?

If you had to join a(nother) organized religion, which would it be and why?

I'd go ahead and start my own religion, just because. The Cult of Alissa! I'd purchase some land in the middle of the Nevada desert, or maybe I'd get my own island. I'd write my very own scripture in which I created the universe and all nature could be directly traced back to me. Then I'd find a bunch of clueless people, order them to build shrines to me, and convince them that it would be in their best interest to perform burnt-offering sacrifices.The possibilities are endless, but I'm too ass-lazy to put any effort towards something this big. So for the meantime, I think I'll remain a blaspheming Jew.

How would you cope with surviving a global apocalypse?

I would dig a nice deep pit in the ground, line it with a couple of corrugated metal sheets, and fill it with all of my books, maybe a couple of cushions, and candles and matches. I'm not sure if electricity would exist after the apocalypse, so I'd leave my laptop and stereo back at my former, pre-apocalypse residence. Oh, and I'd also lay in a stockpile of Hostess Orange Cupcakes, a couple of bottles of tequila, and all the hallucinogenic drugs I could get my hands on.

So things wouldn't change very much from the way they are now.

truthrecord.jpg What's the most embarrassing record you've ever bought? Bought and still own?

I own some embarassing records, but I won't admit to actually purchasing them. The worst record I own is without question Jewish and Israeli Favorites by Johnny Puleo & His Harmonica Gang. You have not truly lived until you have heard "Hava Nagilah" and "Bei Mir Bist Du Shein" played by a scratchy chorus [Ed. note: or "gang," if you will] of harmonicas. Pre-stereo. Ultra low-tech. Next embarrassing is probably Song of Norway, conducted by Guy Lombardo at the Jones Beach Marine Theater.

Don't ask me where I got these records. I'm not really sure myself. Then again, I'm not really sure of a lot of things.   </end>

Alissa attends Hunter College and is an editorial assistant for a Major University Press; her goal is to figure out How To Make a Living.

Got a truth or dare for Alissa? Send them in to TorD@stim.com!

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