Truth!

Five Truths
Five tasty tidbits from our brave Truth or Dare columnist.

by Alissa Bader
What's the meanest, pettiest thing you've ever done? (Thanks and a years' supply of Turtle Wax® to SCOTT ROSANN for this question!)

When I was a kid, I fed my best friend's five-year-old sister habañero peppers from my dad's garden. Why? She was annoying me (I forget why), and I suppose I was in the mood to torment other kids' siblings. Anyway, she freaked and ran all over her backyard, screaming and crying, and I felt really bad. Then she tripped over a yellowjacket's nest in the ground and these angry bees started chasing her. She was stung pretty badly, but of course her pain was nothing compared to what happened to me once both sets of parents heard about this.

Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? (Thanks and monogrammed STIM culottes® to AUDRA KIRSHBAUM for sending us this question!)

Fools fall in love because they're desperate. Well, at least I do. Like what's-his-name with the bad carpeting in the living room and the plastic margarita glasses filled with cherry Coke and cheap vodka—if that's not desperation, I'd like to know what is. Or how about Mr. Five-Foot-Six, with the bad breath? I was a good seven inches taller than he was, plus I brushed all of the plaque off of my teeth—and not just for his sake, either.

If you had to be Krazy-Glued to any public figure, who would it be and why? (Thanks and a real, live pony to MICHAEL KINSLEY for this suggestion!)

I'm thinking Kathie Lee Gifford, because we're originally from the same state, and because she and I are total opposites. You could say that I'm the Alissa, and she's the anti-Alissa. She was a Junior Miss, married a sports god, and wound up as the role model for fucked-up suburban America. As for myself, I baked my brains all through high school and currently date flabby über-geeks. I wonder what would happen if we touched—would we both explode, like when matter supposedly touches anti-matter? What a cool experiment that would be, even if both of us died at the end.

What's the strangest obsession you've ever had? (Thanks and a new Le Car© to SVEN BIRKERTS for this suggestion!)

When I was about ten, the film version of "Annie" was released. I made my mom buy me the soundtrack and I sung along to it every night, screaming into this tape recorder. Then I got the official "Annie" movie magazines and the official "Annie" cartoon history book and the official "Annie" doll, which had an orangey afro that turned into a frizzy plastic puffball once you tried to shampoo it. My mom put her foot down when I insisted upon the official "Annie" dress and wig, though. Something about me "growing up and having to find my own identity."

If you had the chance to physically knock some sense into anybody's head in the whole wild world, who would it be and why? (Thanks and a weeks' supply of Nair® to STEVEN BRUMLEY for this question!)

Probably those stupid people who SEND ME EMAIL ALL IN UPPER-CASE LETTERS, LIKE THIS!!!!!!! or who use entirely too many emoticons. I don't mind an occasional :), although it can be a little grating to a cold-hearted cynic such as myself. People mean well, so I'll let it slide. I'll even accept a 8), or maybe even a ;). But when you start running into territory like (:*)>), or /:&:$?(, I think it's time to start using real words, don't you?   </end>


* Note: all prizes are completely made up. Suggestions to Truth or Dare will be awarded with the suggester's name in lights, as well as our undying gratitude. —Eds.

Alissa attends Hunter College and is an editorial assistant for a Major University Press; her goal is to figure out How To Make a Living.

Got a truth or dare for Alissa? Send them in to TorD@stim.com!

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