One-hundred things
that never happen
in Star Trek :

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

  2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

  3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

  4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

  6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

  7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

  8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.

  9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

  11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

  12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

  13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

  15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

  16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

  17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

  18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

  19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

  20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

  21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

  22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

  23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

  24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

  25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

  26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

  27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

  28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

  29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

  30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy twit, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

  31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

  32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

  33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

  34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

  35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

  36. Data falls in love with the replicator.

  37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

  38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

  39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

  40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

  41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

  42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

  43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

  44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.

  45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack an alien race, etc. due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

  46. The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

  47. A crewman is denied access to the shuttlecraft. When he/she tries to steal it, he/she is caught in the act by the efficient, well-prepared security officers.

  48. Barclay appears having been cured of his neuroses by the ship's counselor.

  49. Quark doesn't mention the Rules of Acquisition.

  50. The intelligent beings who come through the worm-hole do not look like humans with a cheap make-up job.

  51. The station is occupied by a skeleton crew, but no one tries to take it over.

  52. After Quark's actions imperil the station and/or a crewmember, Sisko orders him tossed out the airlock.

  53. Odo actually conserves mass when he shape-shifts.

  54. Alternatively: When Odo loses mass by shape-shifting into a smaller object, the mass is converted to energy (E=mc2), causing the station to be destroyed in a thermonuclear explosion.

  55. Klingons are shown sitting around eating pizza.

  56. Some Klingons get bored and paint the interior of their ship with decorative murals.

  57. Any fully functional space vessel is seen in any orientation except "right side up."

  58. A major character dies and doesn't get resurrected by a superior life form and doesn't appear in a later episode.

  59. The Enterprise encounters an alien race that has neither a problem nor any ambitions for universal dominance.

  60. Someone discovers a toilet on the Enterprise.

  61. Fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

  62. The Captain sounds Red Alert and crew man stations looking like they haven't just spent hours in wardrobe and makeup.

  63. The Captain sends someone OTHER than the "chiefs of staff" down to the surface of a potentially dangerous alien planet... and the mission gets completed just fine. and they all come back. and they don't bring along an evil being/virus. and they decide it's nice enough for a little R&R. and no one gets killed.

  64. The alien delegate on board the Enterprise does not refer to his planet, species, culture, et cetera, as "My People."

  65. An alien species has a name for their planet completely different than the name the federation uses.

  66. Some members of an alien species have a different skin color than the rest of them, and they don't make a big old last-battlefield deal about it.

  67. A Federation starship is shown that has a crew that's less than 95% human.

  68. The Universal Translator kicks in when someone speaks French, Latin, or Klingon.

  69. The Prime Directive gets upheld without any sacrifices having to be made.

  70. The Prime Directive gets BROKEN and somebody gets court- marshalled for it and the alien species really DOES suffer because of the violation.

  71. Someone tries to take a shuttle without authorization but is stopped when the bridge officers close the shuttle bay door in time.

  72. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

  73. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention.

  74. "Maximum warp" is actually fast enough to easily outrun something which is threatening the ship.

  75. After Kirk tells Bones to help the poor unknown ensign who was just shot/eaten/mangled/perforated, Bones replies, "Sure, piece of cake!"

  76. Spock says, "I can't calculate the probability of that because I am distracted by Uhura's shapely legs."

  77. Scotty really needs extra time when he says, "I need more time, Jim."

  78. Bones admits that he is, indeed, a bricklayer and not a doctor.

  79. Scotty admits that he prefers iced tea to 100 year old scotch.

  80. Scotty gives up drinking because his liver "kinna take no more."

  81. Kirk/Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and ends up staying with her at the end of the episode.

  82. Kirk/Riker is in sick bay being treated for venereal disease.

  83. Sulu/Geordi gets laid.

  84. Bones/Beverly says "Ooops!" in the middle of a critical operation.

  85. Worf is shown with a milk mustache.

  86. Picard finally gives up playing the flute due to Commander Data's observation: "you really stink."

  87. Picard gives Q a noogie.

  88. Troi reveals she actually "stuffs."

  89. Data uses the Enterprise's tractor beam to create huge waves on Risa. so Riker can impress the babes with his surfing skills.

  90. The Borg ship is completely disabled due to Geordi's brilliant plan to beam a bucket of water directly over the main computer.

  91. Picard, while riding a horse at fully gallop, is thrown against the Holodeck wall and seriously hurt when Wesley turns off computer thinking no one is using it.

  92. Wesley Crusher gets thrown in the brig after endangering the Enterprise with one of his "experiments."

  93. The Enterprise stumbles upon a civilization that has a cure for advanced male-pattern baldness.

  94. Troi confides to Picard/Riker/Beverly how horny she gets when she "feels that couple making out in the hot tub two decks above."

  95. Geordi runs a level 3 diagnostic and actually finds something wrong.

  96. Counselor Troi counsels someone who is more psychologically screwed up than she is.

  97. Counselor Troi enters into a relationship with someone without saying, "We can't do this! It's wrong!"

  98. Picard hears the door chime and says, "I'm busy! Go away!" instead of "Come."

  99. Picard tells the helmsmen to engage warp engines by saying, "Let's boogie!"

  100. Wesley Crusher is completely baffled along with the rest of the crew.

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