The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

    1. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green-Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
    2. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
    3. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
    4. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
    5. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
    6. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
    7. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
    8. You have no life.
    9. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
    10. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

TOP TEN BUMPER STICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

    1. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
    2. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it."
    3. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
    4. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 phasers do!"
    5. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
    6. "CAUTION...We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical."
    7. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
    8. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
    9. "We brake for cubes!"
    10. "Wesley On Board!"

The TOP NINE Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

    1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying, "I could have had a V-8!"
    2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft.
    3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
    4. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there.
    5. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver."
    6. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
    7. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, make it so!"
    8. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up.
    9. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life forms.

The TOP NINE worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

    1. Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
    2. The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
    3. Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
    4. That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
    5. Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
    6. Wesley might come to visit.
    7. Lwaxanna Troi might come to visit.
    8. Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll never be rid of the big dork!
    9. The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.

The TOP TEN lines you'll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation

    1. Worf: Klingons do not play tiddlywinks!
    2. Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century.
    3. Feordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot!
    Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red...
    4. Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out!
    5. Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
    6. A Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
    7. Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache.
    8. Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace TV!
    9. Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls.
    Riker: What will that do?
    Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell sounds impressive!
    10. Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers!

The TOP TWENTY surprise plot twists in upcoming TNG episodes

    1. Worf signs Alexander up for ballet lessons.
    2. The distress call they have been answering is a prank Wesley sent from the Academy.
    3. Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live style Conehead.
    4. Picard beams down.
    5. All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk.
    6. Troi runs amok with a machete.
    7. Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his "command" has been a holodeck simulation.
    8. No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar.
    9. Geordi gets a woman.
    10. Riker doesn't get a woman.
    11. Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the continuity error, is rent asunder.
    12. Picard wakes up muttering "there's no place like home".
    13. Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top.
    14. Ten Forward is turned into a disco. Features Beverly Crusher as "The Dancing Doctor".
    15. Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty officer, O'Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank of Captain.
    16. Picard fires the phasers.
    17. "Prime Directive" is the word of the day, entire crew goes "Aaaaahhhhh!!" at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned.
    18. Data's cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy.
    19. Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security guard saves the ship.
    20. Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does "Nestea Plunge" into swimming pool on holodeck.

The TOP TEN command decisions Captain Picard has to make

    1. Should he send Wesley an FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet?
    2. How big a tip to leave in 10-Forward.
    3. Should he open hailing frequencies or beam over a nice Hallmark card?
    4. Stock up on minoxidol or turtle wax?
    5. Whether or not to have easy-listening music played in the turbolifts.
    6. Should he put Spock on his Christmas card list?
    7. Whether or not to have Data's cat neutered.
    8. Whether or not to have Commander Riker neutered.
    9. Bud or Coors?
    10. Keep matter/antimatter warp engines or switch over to natural gas?

TOP 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

    1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
    2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
    3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
    4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
    5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
    6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
    7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
    8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
    9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
    10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb.
    11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 12. Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
    13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. 14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
    15. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
    16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
    17. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
    18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
    19. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
    20. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
    21. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Things that never happen in Star Trek :

    1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
    2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
    3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
    4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
    5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
    6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
    7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
    8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
    9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
    10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
    11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
    12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
    13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
    14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
    15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
    16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
    17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
    18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
    19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
    20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
    21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
    22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
    23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
    24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
    25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
    26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
    27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
    28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
    29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
    30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy twit, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
    31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
    32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
    33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
    34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
    35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
    36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
    37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
    38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
    39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
    40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
    41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
    42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
    43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
    44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
    45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack an alien race, etc. due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
    46. The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
    47. A crewman is denied access to the shuttlecraft. When he/she tries to steal it, he/she is caught in the act by the efficient, well-prepared security officers.
    48. Barclay appears having been cured of his neuroses by the ship's counselor.
    49. Quark doesn't mention the Rules of Acquisition.
    50. The intelligent beings who come through the worm-hole do not look like humans with a cheap make-up job.
    51. The station is occupied by a skeleton crew, but no one tries to take it over.
    52. After Quark's actions imperil the station and/or a crewmember, Sisko orders him tossed out the airlock.
    53. Odo actually conserves mass when he shape-shifts.
    54. Alternatively: When Odo loses mass by shape-shifting into a smaller object, the mass is converted to energy (E=mc2), causing the station to be destroyed in a thermonuclear explosion.
    55. Klingons are shown sitting around eating pizza.
    56. Some Klingons get bored and paint the interior of their ship with decorative murals.
    57. Any fully functional space vessel is seen in any orientation except "right side up."
    58. A major character dies and doesn't get resurrected by a superior life form and doesn't appear in a later episode.
    59. The Enterprise encounters an alien race that has neither a problem nor any ambitions for universal dominance.
    60. Someone discovers a toilet on the Enterprise.
    61. Fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
    62. The Captain sounds Red Alert and crew man stations looking like they haven't just spent hours in wardrobe and makeup.
    63. The Captain sends someone OTHER than the "chiefs of staff" down to the surface of a potentially dangerous alien planet... and the mission gets completed just fine. and they all come back. and they don't bring along an evil being/virus. and they decide it's nice enough for a little R&R. and no one gets killed.
    64. The alien delegate on board the Enterprise does not refer to his planet, species, culture, et cetera, as "My People."
    65. An alien species has a name for their planet completely different than the name the federation uses.
    66. Some members of an alien species have a different skin color than the rest of them, and they don't make a big old last-battlefield deal about it.
    67. A Federation starship is shown that has a crew that's less than 95% human.
    68. The Universal Translator kicks in when someone speaks French, Latin, or Klingon.
    69. The Prime Directive gets upheld without any sacrifices having to be made.
    70. The Prime Directive gets BROKEN and somebody gets court- marshalled for it and the alien species really DOES suffer because of the violation.
    71. Someone tries to take a shuttle without authorization but is stopped when the bridge officers close the shuttle bay door in time.
    72. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
    73. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention.
    74. "Maximum warp" is actually fast enough to easily outrun something which is threatening the ship.
    75. After Kirk tells Bones to help the poor unknown ensign who was just shot/eaten/mangled/perforated, Bones replies, "Sure, piece of cake!"
    76. Spock says, "I can't calculate the probability of that because I am distracted by Uhura's shapely legs."
    77. Scotty really needs extra time when he says, "I need more time, Jim."
    78. Bones admits that he is, indeed, a bricklayer and not a doctor.
    79. Scotty admits that he prefers iced tea to 100 year old scotch.
    80. Scotty gives up drinking because his liver "kinna take no more."
    81. Kirk/Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and ends up staying with her at the end of the episode.
    82. Kirk/Riker is in sick bay being treated for venereal disease.
    83. Sulu/Geordi gets laid.
    84. Bones/Beverly says "Ooops!" in the middle of a critical operation.
    85. Worf is shown with a milk mustache.
    86. Picard finally gives up playing the flute due to Commander Data's observation: "you really stink."
    87. Picard gives Q a noogie.
    88. Troi reveals she actually "stuffs."
    89. Data uses the Enterprise's tractor beam to create huge waves on Risa. so Riker can impress the babes with his surfing skills.
    90. The Borg ship is completely disabled due to Geordi's brilliant plan to beam a bucket of water directly over the main computer.
    91. Picard, while riding a horse at fully gallop, is thrown against the Holodeck wall and seriously hurt when Wesley turns off computer thinking no one is using it.
    92. Wesley Crusher gets thrown in the brig after endangering the Enterprise with one of his "experiments."
    93. The Enterprise stumbles upon a civilization that has a cure for advanced male-pattern baldness.
    94. Troi confides to Picard/Riker/Beverly how horny she gets when she "feels that couple making out in the hot tub two decks above."
    95. Geordi runs a level 3 diagnostic and actually finds something wrong.
    96. Counselor Troi counsels someone who is more psychologically screwed up than she is.
    97. Counselor Troi enters into a relationship with someone without saying, "We can't do this! It's wrong!"
    98. Picard hears the door chime and says, "I'm busy! Go away!" instead of "Come."
    99. Picard tells the helmsmen to engage warp engines by saying, "Let's boogie!"
    100. Wesley Crusher is completely baffled along with the rest of the crew.
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