No need for a costume this year, Cap - your intensity alone will frighten the unsuspecting children who ring your doorbell in their Hunchback of Notre Dame robes. No need to keep those miniature Mars bars around to buy them off: one look at your cunning smile and furrowed brow, and the little buggers will flee.

Such trifles won't hurt your feelings or cause you to question your course of action. You'll be too busy preparing your audition for Pinky and the Brain. While persons of lesser integrity and zeal waste away the evening with masquerade balls and martinis, you'll hole up in your basement laboratory, perfecting a recipe for making gold out of lead, Zoloft, and dryer lint. Virgo may offer romantic proposition. Examine legal documents carefully before signing.

Recommended Costume:
Mad Scientist

Drawing by Anthony Goicolea