Truth! Truth: I'm a Terrible Person

Five tasty tidbits from our brave Truth or Dare columnist.
by Alice Bradley

1. What is your worst sports experience?

Really, there is no "worst;" every sports experience I've ever had has been so horrifyingly bad that they all blend together into a festival of tripping and missing balls and getting bonked in the head and my friends saying, "Um, we're just going to play by ourselves this time." Let's talk about tenth grade, when I had to go to remedial gym, wherein I spent hard time with the Agostinello sisters, who were later jailed for assault—no, no, on second thought, let's go back earlier, starting when my older brother's pals would bounce a Nerf ball on my head, again and again, while I calmly went about my business, trying to look like I didn't care. Let's discuss the swimming lessons at camp, when everyone else was awarded ribbons for being a "tadpole" or a "minnow" or even a "dolphin," and I was a "wader." I'd like to see THAT sea creature. I bet it would be wearing water wings and noseplugs and screaming that it didn't want to get its head wet. Let's mull over the countless roller-skating birthday parties, during which I clung to the railing while my so-called friends whizzed by to the driving beat of "Xanadu." This is why I avoid walking by the enormous window of our local "Crunch" gym. I'm almost sure they're all staring at me as I stumble by, mocking me with their flexed biceps.

2. Tell us some of your hardcore drug use stories!

Sadly, I can hardly drink a beer without falling down, so I'm not much for your hard-core drugs. Once in college I drank a lot of beer and then took some Nytol — I had a cold!—and later was found in some strange girl's room, reading her Judith Krantz novels and rocking back and forth. When my friends peeled me off of her floor; I kept muttering, "Judith Krantz is such a terrible writer... such a terrible writer..." Even then I had taste.

3. What's the worst case of mistaken identity you've ever been a victim of?

Terrible, just terrible.A couple of years ago, I was standing outside a theater waiting for some friends. A pale, skinny guy walked up to me and asked, "Are you Deborah?" I said no and gave him my best winning smile. He frowned and asked, "Are you waiting for Jim?" I said no, again. He stared at me. Disgusted, he spat out, "Sure. Sure you're not." "I'm waiting for my friends!", I cried. "Fine," he yelled, and walked away. A few minutes later, I heard, "Jim doesn't want to meet you, either! Bitch! Bitch!" He was across the street at a pay phone, gesturing at me with the receiver. My friends then showed up. We all smiled and waved; he put the receiver down and walked away.

4. If THE SHAGGY D.A. and TEEN WOLF teach us anything, it's that any of us, at any moment, might turn into a dog, or some other cute but feral beast. If you found yourself slowly metamorphosing into, say, your cat, what would be your first inclinations?

Well, the first thing I'd do is apologize to Georgia, our art director, who doesn't share my enthusiasm for kitties, and tires quickly of colorful anecdotes involving my cat and, say, her bumbling attempts to attack her hind paw. Then I'd quickly hie myself to a nice warm spot in front of a mirror, where I'd spend my days lounging and marveling at my new lithe and furry limbs. Rowr.

5. What's the cruelest thing you've done as an adult?

Schwa!A few years ago, I told my friend that she was overdressed for a party and I made her change into jeans, but she wasn't overdressed at all. She just looked better than I did. I just couldn't stand going to another party with her wearing sparkly, touchable fabrics and baring her wondrous cleavage. Actually, what I did was much more horribly petty and insidious — when she asked me how she looked, I kind of looked her up and down and said, "Well...". I made her doubt her va-va-voomish figure, which, believe me, she should never have doubted. When she rushed back into her apartment and came out wearing jeans and a sweater, I felt like a worm. Well, I'm coming clean! Now I can say to her, you looked stunning! You looked stunning and I looked like someone's teenage sister! I hate myself!

There. I feel much better now.