Guess who?

My name is Dr. C.F. "Corningware" Kane. I am sixty-three years old, of medium build, with wild gray hair, mirror contact lenses, and a small tattoo of a golden apple on my left shoulder. Ten years ago I accidentally invented something that has proven to be a time machine. This relatively small device — which looks something like a 1960s-era "bong" — has allowed me to jump forward and backward in time at will.

My most recent accomplishment with this device was to return to 1963 in order to help the fifth Lee Harvey Oswald escape to 1856. If I did not help him do that, then the second and third Lee Harveys would have been caught and revealed as the clones they were. It's a long story.

Next week I am planning on going to 2023 to help President DiCaprio escape a serious Special K addiction and avoid a nasty paternity suit. After that, I have to locate the reanimated corpse of Jerry Garcia before he kills again. Trust me, 2023 is gonna be fun!