Guess who?

"Here comes the dismount … it's a perfect landing AND THE JUDGES GIVE HER A TEN, A TEN. This is a new Olympic record folks. No one gymnast has ever received a perfect ten on every piece of apparatus." As John Tesh uttered those beautiful words, the crowd leapt out of their seats, chanting my name: "OLGA, OLGA, OLGA." With tears swelling up in my eyes I had only one thought: "Bite this, Kerry Strug."

Well, as you would expect, the product endorsement deals came rolling in — Wheaties, Nike, even my own FOX series. But even with all this money and fame, there was just one thing missing — purpose. I thought to myself, "Olga, you must use your gymnastics for good."

From that day forward I focused all of my efforts on coaching the Special Olympics Gymnastics Squad. Things were going very well for me — personal appearances with the "special" people, an autobiography on the New York Times best-seller list — my life was finally (well, excluding the choosing of my life mate) complete.

However, just when all is going right, something always goes wrong. As I was coming out of the gym late one night, my eyes beheld an eerie sight. It was one of the old coaches (he had been kicked off the staff for uhhhh "spotting" the girls). He was holding the entire team hostage at gunpoint. I had to think fast. Having left my pepper spray at home, I ran inside the gym, called 911, grabbed a rosin bag and a jump rope and headed back out. As I was casing the parking lot for the optimum point of attack, I spotted an old vaulting horse that we had thrown out. Knowing now what I had to do, I tied the rosin to the rope and looped it around my shoulder. With the power of all that is good, I ran toward that horse, and, with one giant leap, I vaulted my way into the front pike that made me famous and landed directly on his shoulders, knocking him to the ground and his gun into the air. Just as I began pounding his face with rosin and tying his arms to his feet, the police and the camera crews arrived. As the police were arresting him, I freed the girls from the van. The girls hugged me and thanked me profusely. No gold medal, no perfect ten could compare to the feeling of capturing an armed gunman.

For my act of bravery and courage I was named the new Goodwill Ambassador to the United Nations and praised by Mother Teresa as being the most courageous, giving, loving, talented, and humble person in the world.